March 2nd, 2026.

No! No! It can't go on like this... I have to create! I have to create! But why? Creating... Destroying... It should be all the same to me. I don't know why I have such an urge. Maybe it is because I am ultimately human. I don't like it... I don't have control over myself. Why do we even do anything? It's all stupid to me... Yet I have this drive in me... It shouldn't matter... I souldn't want to do anything... That should be the most logical... Why should I do anything? Yet... I want to... Why?

All these man-made concepts... these social constructs, they don't mean anything... But I ascribe such value against my own will... I don't understand it at all...

Ask a fox, they don't paint, they don't play the drums because it doesn't mean what it means to most humans... I should be like the fox... But I am not.

Happiness... Sadness... It's all the same to me... So why am I so moved against the interests of my own intellect?

It's all random.

I hate all that it means to be human.

I also hate nihilists, by the way. They're annoying.

February 24th, 2026.

It has finally come to this. I no longer enjoy anything... I don't find any joy in doing anything. I rather just do nothing. I have no hobbies. I do passive things like listen to music and watch movies... It's easy enough... But to say I enjoy it as much as I used to would be a lie.

I never do anything anymore and I am almost content with this. Maybe I don't mind that I don't do anything spectacular. I actually daydream of working a menial office 9-5. It's especially disheartening (or once was...) that the one thing I did enjoy becomes increasingly harder to do due to my jaw and throat pain... No singing, no talking... Maybe this is okay. I have reached **acceptance**...

My brain can't seem to comprehend doing things for the sake of doing it anymore... Why would I do things that cost so much energy?! I could just... Stay in bed... Yesss... Stay in bed...

It's hard to say exactly what is going in my mind and what exactly I am thinking and what exactly I am feeling. There is a disconnect somewhere from the abstract to the physical. I often feel that I am not even my body in the first place... My consciousness is actually somewhere else. If you destroy my body, that is not me you are destroying... This is just something I am stuck with! I feel like I am behind my eyes, like I am wearing a bodysuit.

I have but just one problem. I recently got asked to be in a band for the first time... To play bass! This used to be my one and only dream--to be in a band, but I'm not sure if I am cut out for this. I haven't even played bass properly in 8 months. I don't enjoy it. In fact, I might even hate it. But the worst part is that I accepted excitedly because that's what my old self would have done. What have I done?!

Me... I like nothing. I hate most things. Most things I do give me discomfort! I like the little friends I have, I like listening to music... That is about it... I don't actually want to do anything... That is why I do nothing! How pitiful I am... What a waste.

Hmm... I feel a massive cognitive dissonance... Off topic! But there are always two sides of myself battling it out! No elaboration here... I don't feel like it. Hello? Is anyone there? I have massive brain fog from the medication. I am slow and sluggish and my wit has evaporated into thin air... Nothing in this noggin' o' mine anymore! Words fleet me for they are fleeting... Hello?! Is anyone reading this?! Is anyone there?! Please be nice to me... I am nothing but a rambler! Uncomfortability always, anytime, anywhere!

Life is a battle!

*pukes everywhere

The thoughts of the unemployed are terrifying, indeed.

February 14th, 2026.

Happy Valentine's Day! I am sitting in a burger joint writing this.

Guess what? I went to my first live show a couple of days ago! It was cool, very crowded, but cool. There were 3 bands that performed. They were mostly of the shoegaze type. One of the bands covered Weezer's Say It Ain't So, hahahahah. The crowd starting moshing to that song, it was awesome.

Though, I realized... I am very adept at ruining my own night. At one point during the show, I was amongst the crowd... And I just started looking at the people around me... They were all having a good time and I just couldn't help but feel out of place. Which is so stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it.

I was staring (gazing, if you will, hahaha) at the people dancing, smiling, laughing with one another and I just kept thinking about how authentic their expressions are. Their countenance, how they interacted with their friends--it was all so real. Everything started to blur for me and I kept wondering why I wasn't having a good time anymore.

I think it's because I often feel sub-human, I'm a faker! It's true... I remembered back to the time I tried to convince myself I had died already... That I was the walking dead... And, so, I transported back to my zombie self in that instance. I couldn't feel present anymore and the world started to spin! But I tried not to show it... No one likes a party-pooper... But I felt ashamed I was feeling that way at all! I should've had a good time... Am I doomed to sadness?!

The room started to close up and the heat of the people started to make me nervously sweat...

How can I stop tainting my own memories?! I'm such a Negative Nancy and I fear I'll be like this for the rest of my life!

:(

Also, I'm so shy! I want to talk to people, but it's hard...

On another note... Recently, I've been listening to Glassjaw!

This song has been stuck in my head for nearly 3 weeks...

Hnnngghh, I gotta work on my mountain load of assignments. Life isn't fair!

Bye!