September 4th, 2026.

As the school year approaches, once again, the only thing I'm left dreading is my own mind.

For the last third-or-so of my life, I've always found it extremely hard to form a coherent thought, despite "thinking" itself taking up much of my time. I seem to think in words, I absolutely have an inner monologue, but those same words just don't pack the same punch out loud as it does in my head. This is why you may have noticed that none of the essays on my "essays" page are complete. There have been numerous attempts, but most of what comes out is word salad.

Now, you may wonder... Why that is... I wonder, as well and I'll do my best to explain it, 'cause even this... Is a challenge.

Everytime I try to think sophisticately about a topic, it feels I reach a ceiling in my mind--or a wall. I just know that if I was able to think harder--clearer--and break through this wall that's blocking my path, I would be able to form a profound thought--but I just can't. I just can't think. It is extremely frustrating especially when I feel a certain gist of a concept forming in my mind, but not the mental power to push through and come to a conclusion.

Even that, I feel I didn't express adequately.

It's even more concerning when lately I've had even more problems with word retrieval, memory, reading comprehension, and just all around "making sense".

I know I'm smart! I know I'm intelligent! So, why can't I think? Am I really just stupid? Is it brain fog? Is it just an untrained muscle? Am I just plain dumb? There is a massive block in my mind!

Who knows. I just one day wish for the mental clarity it appears some are blessed with.

Well, not that I really care all that much in the end. #LoveToDoNothing #YOLO #OrMoreLikeTheOppositeMeaningOfYoloButLikeWhateverThisIs
MyWebsiteNotYoursIMakeTheRules #BooYah #ThatsAlsoWhyIDontUpdateMuch #LazyFuck #CouchPotato

April 22nd, 2026.

[redacted]

March 2nd, 2026.

[redacted]

February 24th, 2026.

[redacted]

February 14th, 2026.

Happy Valentine's Day! I am sitting in a burger joint writing this.

Guess what? I went to my first live show a couple of days ago! It was cool, very crowded, but cool. There were 3 bands that performed. They were mostly of the shoegaze type. One of the bands covered Weezer's Say It Ain't So, hahahahah. The crowd starting moshing to that song, it was awesome.

Though, I realized... I am very adept at ruining my own night. At one point during the show, I was amongst the crowd... And I just started looking at the people around me... They were all having a good time and I just couldn't help but feel out of place. Which is so stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it.

I was staring (gazing, if you will, hahaha) at the people dancing, smiling, laughing with one another and I just kept thinking about how authentic their expressions are. Their countenance, how they interacted with their friends--it was all so real. Everything started to blur for me and I kept wondering why I wasn't having a good time anymore.

I think it's because I often feel sub-human, I'm a faker! It's true... I remembered back to the time I tried to convince myself I had died already... That I was the walking dead... And, so, I transported back to my zombie self in that instance. I couldn't feel present anymore and the world started to spin! But I tried not to show it... No one likes a party-pooper... But I felt ashamed I was feeling that way at all! I should've had a good time... Am I doomed to sadness?!

The room started to close up and the heat of the people started to make me nervously sweat...

How can I stop tainting my own memories?! I'm such a Negative Nancy and I fear I'll be like this for the rest of my life!

:(

Also, I'm so shy! I want to talk to people, but it's hard...

On another note... Recently, I've been listening to Glassjaw!

This song has been stuck in my head for nearly 3 weeks...

Hnnngghh, I gotta work on my mountain load of assignments. Life isn't fair!

Bye!