February 14th, 2026.

Happy Valentine's Day! I am sitting in a burger joint writing this.

Guess what? I went to my first live show a couple of days ago! It was cool, very crowded, but cool. There were 3 bands that performed. They were mostly of the shoegaze type. One of the bands covered Weezer's Say It Ain't So, hahahahah. The crowd starting moshing to that song, it was awesome.

Though, I realized... I am very adept at ruining my own night. At one point during the show, I was amongst the crowd... And I just started looking at the people around me... They were all having a good time and I just couldn't help but feel out of place. Which is so stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it.

I was staring (gazing, if you will, hahaha) at the people dancing, smiling, laughing with one another and I just kept thinking about how authentic their expressions are. Their countenance, how they interacted with their friends--it was all so real. Everything started to blur for me and I kept wondering why I wasn't having a good time anymore.

I think it's because I often feel sub-human, I'm a faker! It's true... I remembered back to the time I tried to convince myself I had died already... That I was the walking dead... And, so, I transported back to my zombie self in that instance. I couldn't feel present anymore and the world started to spin! But I tried not to show it... No one likes a party-pooper... But I felt ashamed I was feeling that way at all! I should've had a good time... Am I doomed to sadness?!

The room started to close up and the heat of the people started to make me nervously sweat...

How can I stop tainting my own memories?! I'm such a Negative Nancy and I fear I'll be like this for the rest of my life!

:(

Also, I'm so shy! I want to talk to people, but it's hard...

On another note... Recently, I've been listening to Glassjaw!

This song has been stuck in my head for nearly 3 weeks...

Hnnngghh, I gotta work on my mountain load of assignments. Life isn't fair!

Bye!